www.altyfans.co.uk
General Category => Altrincham FC First Team => Topic started by: Jenga on July 02, 2007, 12:48:50 PM
-
Once upon a time...................
-
There was a Northwich fan
-
Who had a ridiculous
-
green and white shirt on
-
and had a dicky eye
-
A family trait passed down from generations of salt mining
-
He lived in a
-
in a salt mine
-
in a green & white Austin Allegro
-
which had a rusty exhaust pipe which he used to...
-
Pleasure Daily Nightly and ever so rightly
-
in 3 seconds flat
-
When not playing with his rusty pipe he could usually be found......
-
- much to the disappointment of anyone who found him -
-
in a green and white shirt
-
..building a 2 sided new ground out of lego
-
When the pieces ran out he started to use....
-
sugar lumps
-
and the rubble from the carpark and instead of cement he just used result of his continuous masturbation to stick the bricks together.
-
any leftovers were promptly used on the cheese burgers
-
(rubble!!! on a cheeseburger?).
-
the day finally came, where he left the salt mines to go and watch the match...vs the dreaded altrincham
-
so put his wooden leg under his arm in order to hop to the vegetable patch they call a ground
-
on the way, avoiding the chemicals and nuclear waste...
-
...he bumped into an old friend, foul farmer connett, who asked him in cockney rhyming slang......
-
What the Northwich Vics are you wearing? me old cocker?
-
he replied..."you mean you dont even recognise your teams kit" and mr connett, (bemused by the smell and attitude of the northwich salt miner) said"no, i very rarely take interest in my team on the pitch i just build them soul less football stadia and get my son a job as goalkeeper"
-
who in reference to the keeper had been...
-
"With his one good hand and stump he's the best in the league"
-
At the end of the game, when rushing to get back to his beloved Allegro he...
-
saw a male prostitute walking down the road
-
which turned out to be his long lost..
-
brother.........and uncle.......and father who was eating a spinal chord in a bap
-
"Fancy a cheeseburger instead Dad/bro?" asked the vics fan desperate to make up for the lost years but relieved he now new his relative was safe and earning a good living and wondering if he was entitled to join the family business.
-
he replied..."cheese..........burger???????? ??? ??? ??? what is a cheese..........................burger?" as he had never heard of such a thing
-
They're well nice, foul farmer connett introduced them at our soul less stadia, the cheese is extra salty, and bizarrely cloudy, they remind me of.....
-
Salt water what they used to drink down in them mines or perhaps it is...
-
oil of ulay ? i'll rub over my hands and massage some into my.........................
-
Sister
-
sledge are believed to still be very popular in some parts of Northwich
-
So much so that farmer connett adopted We Are Family for his team selection policy until....
-
Frankie came along....
-
and made him feel sick...
-
so he was about to hit him with a brick...but Frankie said relax don't do it.........
-
Feel the power of love
-
When an Alty fan came around the corner singing
-
You don't bring me flowers any more
-
Because flowers don,t grow in the swamp
-
Which gave Connett the idea of playing Shreck at centre half
-
But united would not send him out on loan to
-
a club full of Donkeys
-
Ee haw ee haw ways something about
-
Suddenly, Connet's one armed, one eyed, one legged sister turned up( mining accident ), looking to see if anyone was after a good time........
-
management system, similar to that used at the mine....
-
...but nobody wanted her becuase it was rumoured she had been seen in a compromising situation with a three-eyed macc fan, given away by his protruding macc tail bone! They decided the only course of action was to.....
-
Buy some new spoons
-
...and erect a giant discoloured builing which looked simaler to.....
-
a big wendy house..
-
But no one wanted to know Wendy as she had been with
-
the miner in the green and white shirt, who had earlier been.....
-
Arrested for
-
having a fiddle with.........
-
The zip of the mascots
-
Co-Ordinators Anorak
-
Who was acting safety
-
Not being big enough to be a line backer or fast enough to be a wide receiver
-
he decided to become a wide backer
-
While his mate was a fudge packer down at the
-
local freak show, where he saw a double headed
-
Coin that he was going to spend at
-
the local freak show, which was also...
-
the local football club
-
Suddenly an ugly green puss covered blistered thing burst....
-
And Jeff Forshaw emerged (one for the elder statespeople amongst us)
-
with his inbred brother/son Dave Ryan
-
slob slob slob cried the alty fan
-
as Ryan tucked into one of connets special cheesey burgers, the jucies flowing down his chin...
-
Ryan eyed the alty fan hungrily and said
-
"your clubs fans are miles better than our fans".....
-
Particularly when done in batter and sprinkled with vinegar
-
and lots of the local salt
-
At this point the Alty fan realised what he needed to do, he reached in his pocket for his fathers........
-
GUN .....................and
-
Started to sing
-
we all piss in a green and white pot whilst he .............................
-
Was shooting at pictures of
-
Sven Goran Ericksson & Beth Ditto
-
slurping the juicy burgers on offer for
-
The price of a
-
2 for 1 pizza at the cement works. But at that point a walrus appreared and shouted "aw no we've run out of cash again..we'll have to
-
eat raw fish caught from the canal again. Just as they finished the last morsels of their lunch a great big
-
hole in the ground appeared, from the result of an old salt mine collapsing
-
Shergar appeared, some robbing vics git had been using him as a pit pony for all those years. The horse out for revenge..
-
decided to eat Mr Connett who as he was being eaten cried out...........................................
-
I intend to sue under Federal Law
-
And can we have the company car back
-
This was agreed to; on the condition that Northwich won the Conference (or, as is more likely, hell froze over first )
-
On how to build a new football ground
-
where his idiot son could make an arse of himself in goal, as well as
-
the other 10 muppets out on the pitch and the arse of a manager who liked...
-
to get teams relegated therefore allowing himself to...
-
get a reputation as an absolute nob
-
but he didnt have to do all the relegation thingy because he already was an abseloute nob, so he
-
Wrote to Jim'll Fix it, only to be told....
-
that he was an abseloute tosser who
-
Jimmy couldn't fix it
-
So Connett tried all the local shops, finally finding one open, but they had sold out of Vaseline
-
So he used
-
Chip fat
-
To rub his
-
sore leg where the goat had kicked him after he 'd
-
had his way with it in the
-
penalty area at th home end at Vics unfinished ground
-
which will soon be knocked down to make way for a new
-
Museum of bizarre culture.
-
which took its inspiration from the pop side at Alty and is.....
-
full of people moaning about
-
..not being able to see when stood behind floodlights...
-
and of course a crazy old man that dances and jumps throughout the match slatering every good and bad moment
-
and arguing with himself...
-
..often losing....
-
...his marbles...
-
..his trousers..
-
and his false teeth
-
and the contents of his bowels, often known as doing a northwich vics.
-
Whilist drinking a pint of
-
..a dimunutive ex Northwich and Alty player...
-
Which was called a
-
Albie Niemann
-
....before trying something else supplied by another diminutive ex Northwich and Alty player...
-
..Stuart Terry who was now plying his trade in North Wales as a prolific serial....
-
Tester of toys and their effects on being chucked out of prams.
Stuart biterly regretted
-
nothing, though he was surprised to see
-
The Tour de France going through
-
His front garden and all the riders were dressed in
-
parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme.
-
...of the month for his mrs so he knew if he wanted any greasy action he'd have to go to......
-
Scarborough Fair
-
where
-
they take your players, but don't pay for them...just like
-
aldershot who then,
-
being a town full of squaddies
-
all got pissed.
-
in a green and white pot.
-
This offended the non gay abled bodied Northwich fan who decided to
-
turn of the television set and go and do something less boring instead...
-
and plucked out his toe nails.
-
Withe the help of mike connet and then asked for
-
some toenails to keep and sign as first team players
-
For the local ladies
-
bull fighting team
-
...who had recently signed 2 matadoresses from the now defunct Charlton Athletic LAdies bullfighting team...
-
Who Connett thought they were a
-
troup of ballet dancers
-
friends who were actually men and...
-
Sheep entertaining the crowd by
-
shaving each other all over
-
till they were as bear as gary talbots head...
-
And rubbing there naked
-
gerbils against their
-
naked guinea pigs, at least what they thought were naked guinea pigs until the only educated person around discovered that they were in fact...
-
Chinchillas
-
Bought from the dodgy pet shop on Hall lane in wythenshawe, this meant the chinchilla was prone to attack and promptly bit off.........
-
more than he could chew when he attacked a local chav who said....
-
.....yep, innit and fanks....
-
safe mate and BRAP, then proceeded to 'schoolboy error' colin potts and
-
got what he deserved off his mates mum which was
-
odd behaviour in a friendly
-
cheesburger eating contest
-
bearing in mind the pickled gherkins and sauce had run out
-
after Mr P Thomson's record breaking effort of four cheeseburgers in under a minute. Small wonder then.....
-
Barneys still had anyting left to offer to
-
colin potts who had regressed to his old ways
-
Of walking up and down the pitch hurling abuse at
-
Purveyors of Cheesy Comestibles to the public of Hale
-
Who also didn't understand what the fcuk you were on about so they took there revenge by
-
forcing eleven grown men to....
(darrens last line actually made me laugh!!!!!)
-
attempt to play football under the name of
-
love.
-
Banner that had been put up across
-
the whole of eastern lapland, famous for
-
men with parts of there body missing who liked to play football for
-
northwich victoria.........
-
Who some people thought she was the queen of
-
The fairies
-
lso known as macc town fans
-
and was known as Sheba although when she died the got a german
-
Shepard to use instead of ball boys because there were plenty of
-
Cheesy Comestibles
-
Who Connett thought was the lastest type of company car to offer his manager to
-
call prince because the one called Sheba died so he went to search....
-
more fans to support his woefully silly team.............
-
in their woefully silly ground, in their woefully silly town. He then had the idea of
-
being a woefully silly man to match his woefully silly town and his woefully silly club, but then he realised, he already was a...
-
a woefully silly man and a complete arsehole to boot...
-
with bells on the end of his
-
Jesters Hat
-
which he procured from Accrington Stanley for..
-
£68,752 (but without internatonal clearance)
-
But he did get a free canteen of cutlery and 14 green shield stamps
-
Which he was most pleased with until he found out his club had been docked 18 points for the lack of international clearance, which caused uproar and.....
-
deduction of the green shield stamps.
-
This pissed off the wise green indian severely and caused him to
-
Use his Argos card to purchase a new stand for his ground which later he found out it was made of
-
Swiss cheese and acorns.
-
Which was a local dish called Cheesy Comestibles that was served on special occasions especially after the women had given birth to
-
baby green and white monkeys who
-
were otherwise known as 6 fingered, webbed feet, troglodytes...
-
That could run through salt mines as fast as a
-
safa powell could run the 100m, but that was not
-
...as quick as Ian Tunnacliffe could sprint....
-
to the chippy where
-
peter thompson lurks waiting for our 6 fingered friends to bring salt from the mines to add to his
-
Huge portion of
-
what looked like chips but were actually...
-
the fingers of his leprosy ridden son.
-
who, years earlier
-
Lost four fingers while masturbating over a picture of......
-
Peter Beardsley's ugly brother...
-
dressed in suspenders, a basque, and a coppers helmet
-
that he'd picked up from a travelling freak show, known as...
-
The northwich one man fan group
-
Boston United
-
that they were all actually not united by birth but all related to
-
Deviant pultroons
-
who liked to congratulate fellow supporters by touching them with
-
mysterious protrusions which appeared from the most unlikely places on their person such as
-
Cheesy Comestibles
-
and turnips
-
fried in breadcrumbs
-
which had come from the balls of a
-
Walrus named
-
Archibald Fozdyke Rembrandt Witherington Northwich R Ploppington-Shyte
-
known to his one and only friend as Dave Ryan.
-
the famous SLOB of Lostock Gralem
-
And erstwhile first team coach of
-
Trumpton Town
-
where he signed from cralwley who apparently have no
-
Sense but lots of other people's money that they like to spend on
500 post
-
Cream Horns, Elephant's Feet and Cheesy Comestibles
-
for which they got completely sick of these cheesy things which down sarf was some kind of cockney ryming slang and tried
-
jellied eels, with gravy and curry sauce.
-
And riding a saddleless unicycle down the Town hall steps
-
before relising they did prefer cheesy comestibles after all
-
The day we went to Bangor
-
and all played on the beach till something orrible came out of the see called
-
Nathan
-
Ilikeitatthebackdoors who liked to dance whilist pointing his
-
finger at Graham
-
who was getting his subs on as instructed by Kenny who had got a new
-
song for the new season it went...
-
who let the
-
Vics out
-
of the loony bin
-
which as they all came running out they were heard to be shoutin "wibble wibble" which was a
-
cunning new language bred into them by mike connett who had been told by
-
the Aga Khan of a very poor weather forecast in
-
Wichnorth so they all moved to
-
the back of the queue for brains. By the time they got to the front all that was left was sh1t, and so they all became...
-
part time full time players for
-
the worst club to ever (dis) grace a football field under the name of....
-
a number of clubs, including macc town, northwich and, most recently, crawley
-
so wasting no more time he thought which of these clubs is the most corrupt, badly run and in all ways piss poor? He had a turd magnet in his head that pulled him towards...
-
Boston because he thought Evans was god but it turned out he was
-
a liar
-
and a cheat who got away with
-
playing for Newcastle, Portsmouth and Rangers
-
till one july summer morning when Pc Wheresthatcheatinggitgone and Sgt whodoyouthinkur called round to say
-
hello hello hello
-
we dont't have to go to......
-
strawberry fair to find some
-
wingers
-
but all he found was whingers but he still signed them because he was dyslexic and was paying them
-
strawberries (from the fair) and magic beans which, rather hilariously...
-
took him back to the days of Danny McGoona and remembered
-
The lad Royal who was nicknamed the ark as it took him so long to
-
Answer the phone
-
THE END
-
of crawley should surely be upon us soon
;)
-
because they do silly little things, like going on a football forum while they are in an ict lesson with mr stenhouse, and spending other peoples...
-
money that they wil have to repay soon......................
-
orwith a CVA, not at all...
-
likely in my estimation
-
when hell freezes over, pigs fly & Vics win the Conference...
-
Then the alarm clock went off
-
his rocker as Vics were demoted (again) because..
-
there ground wasn't
-
there any more!
-
so they built a new one out of
-
Salt and flying pig sh*t which, ironically
-
is the average meal in Northwich
-
Which was costing around £9.99 but if negotiated a bit, and claimed you were poor could get it for £3.33. This of course angered the local ....
-
pigs who could not supply enough sh*t
-
to complete the ground so they resorted to using
-
sugar lumps, porridge & horseradish
-
which was as much use as
-
Mike Connett in a boardroom
-
because he had about as much impact in the boardroom as a betroot and rhubarb salad, which incidently
-
can be found growing out of his matted anal beard along with a cluster of small.........
-
monkey nuts
-
and marbles which caused a certain amount of
300th topic post! ;D
-
Vics fans to believe they had
-
lost theirs
-
while they were busy
-
wearing wellies whilist chasing
-
weasels down salt mine shafts
-
whilist singing we are
-
"The Ovalteenies!"
-
the mine shaft collapsed killing half of the northwich support, he was sorely missed by all except
"The Ovalteenies!"
(i was trying to think what they were called, that was my next one)
-
carlos roca who was
-
as think as
-
a plink, plonk fizz
-
out of the tweenies who took the piss out of Vic fans by wearing
-
an alty shirt
-
on his wedding day in a homosexual marriage to Tinky Winky, who also taunted Vics by showing off his..............
-
tattoo on his chest of
-
the gazelle doing an impression of...........
-
Tommy Cooper whilist dancing to the sounds of
-
vics players leaving the T**tty club in droves...
-
which left mike connett severely pissed off and he therefore decided to be even more of a
-
prat than he is now and decided to..............
-
wear a Girl Guide's uniform.
-
made out of gnu vomit
-
and cheese sticks, which surprisingly is the diet of any self respecting M*cc fan who looks down on...
-
nothing, as there is nothing lower than a macclescum fan.
-
apart from possibly a northwich fan, because
-
they don't just stick to sheep they will try
-
anything with a pulse and has 3 or four legs
-
one eye no teeth bad breath and
-
will only play in goal for vics as he is the w*nkers son
-
>:(THE END >:(
-
of the World was nigh......
-
on impossible to...........
-
Please everyone
-
even with a plate of cheesy comestibles
-
and lard
-
Arses
-
adequately named
-
scum
-
(the 3 last letters of which stood for Club United of Manchester)
-
and
-
Ive never posted on this thread,better get on the bandwagon before the end of the close season
-
and the start of the new season, when exeter,
-
decide its time to
-
tickle kenny palin's chin...
-
and cellatape dennis' mouth
-
to the new floodlights
-
which were so good, they blinded the cambridge keeper in the first live alty match on setanta, causing another 5-0 win to the robins, who, quite comically
-
could have played the match blindfolded
-
even though they had not
-
recieved the box of 22 blindfolds in time, which was unfortunate because...
-
Crawley were supposed to be paying for them...
-
and that would have been a bridge too far for them and they would have withdrawn from the league, which was probably going to hapen anyway, if it werent for
-
the strange ways of the great God Moules.
-
with his tin pot 'rules should are rules unless you are southern' sh*te which led to
-
and of course the infamous bastards, the majeeds, who were also..
-
sticking their heads up their arses and because they are so sh*te financially paying for the privilage
-
And then they went to fecking torquay on a tuesday night.
-
.......to go to the seaside! but they encountered a strange phonomenen.......
-
.....a strange 3-headed gate keeper who charged 1700 quid a week to pass through devon and dorset for non-league football matches. He was wearing a...............
-
strange multicoloured top, bearing the words
-
We should be beating teams like you.
Suddenly a strange sound was heard
-
Of a radio commentater saying nice things about
-
squirrels.
-
Because Tufty used to help people cross
-
angry and downright furious
-
Because they don't attack from the
-
this is a very odd thread!!
-
Because they don't attack from the
left!
-
i started running and then seen
-
...a mouse wearing green and white trainers who was...
-
Sat on the stairs, There on the stairs a little mouse with a
-
piece of cheese and...
-
a green and white pot
-
of pis....tachio nuts
-
and Bombay Mix
-
who then got stamped on by a huge
-
vole, who had recently escaped from...
-
The Island of Dr Rushe!
-
The Island of Dr.Rushe is one of the lesser known fairy stories by Enid Blyton.
There's made up money, made up workers and made up happy endings.
Chapter one starts with a very naughty Elf breaking into...
-
The Vics safe disguised as a chef and...
-
found only an I.O.U note from...
-
the evil Dr Rushe.. the elf ran off into
-
the night screaming dementedly. After he had walked some miles South he was alarmed to see a huge finger point at him from the sky (with a small s) and a voice boomed out "IT'S YOU !"
"What, have I won the Lottery ?" he asked in wonderment.
"No, Morell Maison. YOU have been chosen to finally sink Chester City Football Club. But first you must do a Dick Whittington. Turn again, and learn of Jim Rushe everything he knows about running a football club. It will take only seconds of your time, but the success of your mission at the Deva Stadium will be assured !"
He turned and headed back to the Land of the Green and White, and found the evil Rushe who was busily
-
Reading How to run a football club by Mike Connet, He had only got to page 10 when........
-
the book set on fire and a voice from above said " your doing an excellent job, you don't need this book." Rushe got up off the chair and thought...
-
" I didn't no the tannoy worked we haven't paid the electric bill" After changing his soiled pants he...
-
ate the contents. Hmmmm "chef's getting better" he thought to himself...
-
At which point he heard the voice of Alan Partridge saying, "Its not a tannoy, its a public address system!"
-
Having heard this, the evil Dr Rushe fled in panic to poundland to buy...
-
Chester City for £1, but he only had 77p, so
-
he had a work with Vaughan who knew a super tax dodge to make up the 23p...
-
this was the most special person in greater manchester and goes by the name of Dave Pace... has always had a history with Vaughan.. but Pace wants something in return
-
his ass...
-
his mule...