In no particular order of importance, here’s a few rules made from observing non-league football:
Section 1 - Clubs:
i. Clubs rumoured to have a larger than average wage budget can be referred to as big time Charlie’s, their players are all mercenaries and any immediate lack of success can class the club as being “a waste of money”.
ii. If a club has ever competed at a higher level in front of a regular larger quantity of fans, the clubs 100 or so remaining supporters can refer to their club as a “sleeping giant” and constantly predict that a big future is on the horizon.
iii. Any non-league club based within 20 miles of Watford can refer to the Hornets recent promotion to being the reason behind the drop in their clubs attendances.
iv. Stewarding at games is to be encouraged; the recruitment and training policy of a non-league club is to request a long standing supporter, club committee member or friend of a club committee member to wear a florescent coat. Should the need of stewarding actually arise, the steward is not to be expected to do anything.
Section 2 - Players:
i. Once a player enters the ranks of semi-professional football, regardless of how little he earns, he must immediately be considered to be on a par with the mercenaries on display at Stamford Bridge. It must no longer be considered that he plays for the love of the game or to compete and at the highest level he can achieve, but that he’s simply in it for the cash. As such, semi-professional players can be subjected to any abuse from supporters; they get paid so they should accept it. Even the players own supporters are free to accuse young aspiring players of not being good enough or not fit to wear the clubs shirt, both in person and on internet message boards and forums, as long as they’re on the payroll.
ii. Further to the above, goalkeepers in particular should be subjected to 90 minutes of abuse from opposition supporters situated just a few feet behind their goal. Insults directed at the goalkeepers’ ability, appearance, family members or jibes directed at the place he’s from should be taken without response. The goalkeeper has no right to respond (he’s getting paid – see above) and should he return even one comment or gesture to the supporters, he will be forever labelled a “tw*t”. Posts should then be made on various forums advising supporters of other clubs that the goalkeeper “could not even take a bit of banter”.
iii. The best player in the opposition side should be singled out by supporters for abuse; supporters may accuse him of being overrated or a cheat, along with related heckling. However, supporters reserve the right to state “I always rated him” should he sign for their club in the future.
iv. Former players of your club who turn out for any opposition side should be referred to as a “reject” of your club.
v. Ex-Professional players are to be subjected to far worse abuse than his team-mates, it is acceptable for supporters to refer to a poor performance by this player they may have seen on TV ten years ago, or refer to him as a “reject” of whichever professional club he turned out for. Under no circumstances are the ex-pros to be offered any respect for turning out for their local non-league sides.
vi. If a player transfers to another club, it can only ever be for one of two reasons; either money or a fall out with the manager.
vii. If praise is given to any player on an internet message board or discussion forum, it must automatically be assumed that it was in fact the player himself who made the post (the same rule applies to managers and chairmen).
Section 3 - Managers:
i. Any manager who signs even just one former player shall forever be accused of “only picking his mates”.
ii. If an out of work manager turns up at any non-league ground to watch a game, he should immediately be accused of attempting to put himself in the frame for a job. This is particularly the case if he was to turn up at a club struggling for form. In no circumstances should anyone consider that out of work managers would simply just want to watch a game of football.
Section 4 – Supporters (including internet usage of supporters):
i. First and foremost, supporters who pay to watch a game are entitled to say or do what they want without consequence, the moment cash changes hands at a turnstile makes a supporter exempt from the laws and manners which exist on the outside world.
ii. Everyone has the right to walk in public places without the fear of being abused, physically or verbally, and no-one should be subjected to obscene language, taunts, abuse or threats, there are laws in place to prevent this and offenders should face Police action. The same applies in non-league grounds - players, officials, club members and supporters are entitled to the same protection from other so called supporters who misbehave APART FROM ONE EXCEPTION: an offender is innocent as long as someone posts on an internet discussion forum within a week of the offence that the offender is merely “passionate” about his club, which excuses his actions.
iii. Should abuse from a supporter lead to an opposition player to respond “I’ll see you in the bar after the game”, the supporter should act hard for the remainder of the game but should under no circumstances take up the players challenge, instead heading for his car immediately at the final whistle.
iv. In the interest of equal opportunities, every club must have at least one village idiot among their regular supporters. At each game, it is the duty of this idiot to spot his equal number among opposing supporters, point him out and accuse him of being either sad, inbred or a T**t. Should this happen and both idiots be computer literate, various internet forum posts between the two should hopefully follow (pending either idiot not having a court order preventing him from accessing the internet). This is commonly known as “Village Idiot Foreplay” or VIF for short.
v. Further to the above, when travelling to another part of the country for a game the village idiot should adopt a comical stereotype regional accent relevant to the opposition, his mates will then laugh. Supporters of clubs local to the M25 will refer to all other clubs supporters as “Sheep Shaggers”, all other supporters will respond with “Cockney” related jibes.
vi. Non-league enthusiasts with low self esteem can vent frustration by posting anonymously or by using an untraceable nickname on various discussion forums, using this method is particularly useful when attempting to make others feel as inadequate as themselves. Pointing out statistical errors or grammar mistakes on postings is encouraged amongst this lower rank of supporters.
vii. In the event that internet banter or ”VIF” among opposing supporters in the build up to a fixture becomes heated, it is acceptable for such playground remarks as “oh yeah, see you at our place before the game”, or “watch out for (enter silly nickname here) he’s our top boy and he’ll do you” and other similar threat based comments to be posted online. However, on the day of the fixture, none of the people who made the posts should speak up, although it is acceptable for a cap wearing teenager with his collars up to scowl at the opposing supporters as they enter the ground and make hand gestures at the supporters as they drive away after the game.
viii. Should the unlikely event of a physical confrontation between supporters occur, it must only go ahead if one of these two scenarios exist: A) one group of supporters considerably outnumbers the other, (say, ten teenagers against one middle aged man) or B) if one set of supporters are 40 year old Neanderthals who should be old enough to know better and impose themselves on unwilling opponents in a method otherwise known as bullying. Internet bragging rights then go to the victors who can state that they “did” the opposition. This can then be referred to in the build up to future fixtures between the clubs for a period of ten years.
ix. Should any supporter hear any information or news on another club, whether it is factual or a rumour, it is the duty of that supporter to excitedly post the news on any forum/message board which the news relates to. Should the supporter be asked to reveal the source of the information, he should respond with a cryptic secret agent style “need to know basis” type of answer, under no circumstances should a reasonable theory behind the news be offered.
x. Further to the above, there are serious brownie points on offer to any supporter who can post cup draws on a forum before anyone else. The thought among other supporters that the poster of the draw must be sitting in front of his computer 24/7 with nothing better to do must be ignored, the supporter is truly a hero.
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Rules of non league football
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